Stress is sneaky

I went for a run today. Those that know me or follow my posts, you might not think that is anything out of the ordinary, as I would usually run 3 or 4 times per week. However, the run I did today was the first time I had been out for just over two weeks, and before that I have only run a couple of times in the last few months. It’s got to the point where I can only say I’ve run 3 or 4 times this year, rather than this week.

There is no specific reason, but I am feeling stressed. I have debated about writing this as there is no one thing in-particular that is making me stressed, so it’s not easy to explain why things are difficult – it’s just everything. On top of that, its difficult to admit that I’m struggling, after all, how ironic is it that a doctor with an interest in lifestyle medicine and health coaching should get stressed? Surely I should be able to manage this better?

I have the same thoughts that I hear from a lot of my patients: “there are so many people dealing with so much more than I am at the moment”. We feel guilty for struggling when other people are dealing this issues that seem to be much bigger than ours, such as illness, bereavement, employment issues. Our own everyday issues pale in comparison.

But, like many people are finding over the last few months, there is just one thing after another that needs dealing with – work, lockdowns, more work, kids, vaccines, family life (or lack of it as we are all separated from relatives). At the same time there is absence of the things which would naturally reduce our stress levels – no gyms, no going to have a coffee with a friend, no meeting up in the pub for a drink or a bite to eat, no social events.

When our brains are stressed, they churn out higher levels of stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline, and much less of the happy hormones (eg endorphins and dopamine) that it produces when it encounters pleasure, safety and security. Because our brain is lacking in these happy hormones, it seeks out things that it knows will provide some replacement and give it that much needed boost. This causes our over-tired and over-worked brains say things to us that seem like a good idea at the time…

“I’m feeling tired now, I’ll just have a day off from running today”

“You’ve been working really heard, you deserve to eat that cupcake / biscuit / chocolate”

“I’ll go for a run tomorrow when I’m feeling better”

“Let’s just sit and watch that boxset”

There is nothing wrong with any of these things in moderation and when part of a planned healthy lifestyle, but when we are stressed, our brain uses these things as a rescue, a way to get a quick dopamine hit.

The problem is that the quick dopamine boost we get from these activities is short lived, and temporary. And on the other side there is a come-down which leaves us worse off than before. For example, if I binge on chocolate the next day I feel sluggish and bloated. And then if I repeat this, over time I gain weight which leads to feeling worse. If I stay up late watching lots of TV, then I don’t sleep properly, and the next day I’m tired and grumpy, and less likely to get out and do something positive like go for a run. When you stop and think about it like this, it’s easy to see how this might lead into a vicious cycle, the fewer healthy things we do, the less we want to do, so the fewer we actually do.

And just to add another layer of sneakiness, whilst our minds don’t like being stressed, even more than that, they don’t like admitting there is a problem. So our mind comes up with excuses, and we tell ourselves things like “it’s just a bad week”, “it’s just because it’s raining today and I’ll go for a run tomorrow”, “its just because it was so busy at work today and I was late home, things will be better in another day or so and I’ll do it [whatever it is, a run, a bath, healthy eating] then”. We either don’t see the problem at all, or we tell ourselves that it is just a temporary phase.

But over time this slow deteriorating spiral keeps repeating, and often things can get quite bad before we even realise that there is a problem. Sometimes it’s only when something happens that makes us stop and take note.

I have been fortunate, nothing particular happened. Nothing went wrong. There has been no significant event so far. But there’s been a few little things – emails I haven’t responded to, chores that got forgotten, texts that I didn’t reply to, and over everything there is just a general feeling of overwhelm. And when I have stop to think about it, I realise that I have let the stress get in and take over. I have neglected my self-care activities, I haven’t been for a run. I have let my stressed brain tell me that it’s too tired to do these things, but it’s ok because I’ll do extra tomorrow… only it turns out that I’m too tired tomorrow too.

I don’t write this for sympathy. I write this because it has just struck me how easy it is to slip out of good habits. How easy it has been for my brain to be full of positive plans and knowing how to do all the right things, but still not actually do them, despite the best intentions. How quickly those small changes make a big difference.

So, I decided to try and break the cycle. I didn’t want to go out. I was tired, head-achey and fed up. My mind was telling me that today wasn’t a good day to go for the first run I’ve done in weeks, it was telling me to stay inside and rest. But I ignored it, just for a few minutes. I told myself if I went out and did 5minutes and still wanted to come back home then I would.

I went out. It wasn’t a great run. I felt sluggish, tired, heavy, and miserable. As if the weather was trying to agree, it started raining once I’d got about 10minutes out.

Did it help? Not straight away. Sometimes I do come back from a run with a buzz, that’s runners’ high that you hear about, but that wasn’t there today.

Did I immediately feel less stressed? Not really. But you’ve got to start somewhere. My logical head knows this: that if I keep doing the good things like my self-care practices, running, and mindfulness, then I will feel better. The tricky bit is getting the stressed brain to listen and pay attention in the meantime, and stop that sneaky stress from slipping round the edges and reaching for the biscuits and boxsets.